I am perfectly content in drowning.

I knew this song would come in handy....

Nikka Costa - Push & Pull

Mr. Nothing's got a lot,
He's got a lot to say.
He's good at being what he's not,
Gives nothing away.
Another day goes on by,
And he never speaks his heart,
He takes his chance with what he's got,
It's too late now to stop.

You push and you pull and struggle with the knot,
It's tying you up while you're fadin'.
You give and you take and take what you got,
Round and round 'till it breaks and
You push and you pull and struggle with the knot,
It's tying you up while you're fadin' into your lie.

Mr. Nothing is late,
He's running out of time.
He questions whether chance,
Or fate will ever show a sign.
Looks to the sky above,
For a glimpse of what it means,
And now'll never never make,
Make no sense to him.

You push and you pull and struggle with the knot,
It's tying you up while you're fadin'.
You give and you take and take what you got,
Round and round 'till it breaks and
You push and you pull and struggle with the knot,
It's tying you up while you're fadin' into your lie.

You push and you pull it...

I'm running out of time...
Nowhere left to run...

Downloading Assignment:
The Rolling Stones - Can't You Hear Me Knocking
Ram Jam - Black Betty
KC & The Sunshine Band - Keep It Comin' Love
Nikka Costa - Push & Pull

All of these are off the Blow soundtrack, so you could just download the whole thing. Or if you still do, go out and buy the CD. Weirdo.

Alrighty then...I got back into Missoula at 6:30am, and then went to class for five hours at 10am. I haven't slept in 32 hours. This is quite possibly the most tired I've ever felt in my life. ZZzzZZzzZZzz......

I'm on spring break! (Read: I'm actually out having a life, sorry. Probably no posting until I get back to stupid MT)

I don't want to go back to that other world where all you are is a million little pixels in red and blue light .

Listen To: Incubus - Just A Phase

I've skipped my CPR class three times in a row now, so if you pass out on me I can't make you any guarantees that I'll be able to save your ass. The only reason I'm okay with skipping it today was because I spent the hour running about five miniscule errands that have been on my list of things to do for the last week. It's also about that time to let the answering machine screen my calls, I know my mom's gonna be getting my bank statement for last month here shortly, and I'm really not looking forward to recieving a new asshole. God, I hope that fucker doesn't come while I'm at home.
Speaking of home, I'm leaving here Thursday night...2 MORE DAYS!! I'm so fucking happy to get back to driving my baby. Maybe I do have a spiritual connection with my car...or I just miss going faster than 9mph (and that's when I'm sprinting).
I'm putting off a German paper, in case ya'll are wondering why I'm babbling about nothing. I ace the tests, but I keep bombing these damn essays! GRAAH.
I managed to relate History to Hockey today. I won't bore you with my entire spiel on the situation...in fact, I won't bore you at all. Just know I did it, and it worked. Go me and impressing the TA (2 points).
Listen To: Paul Oakenfold -Vangelis - Tears in Rain, followed immediately in your playlist by Paul Oakenfold - Another World - Amoebassassin - Pile Driver

It’s been...what, almost a year?
Almost…
You crawled out of your black hole about the same time the grass decided it was time to turn green again, and you let another be the one to keep the sun from browning the skin on your hand when the sun actually did shine. And then when it decided to try hiding behind clouds again, you gently let his hand go when he searched for another. Never tried to reach back for it.
Something about crunching leaves, and visible workings of your respatory system trigger spastic chemicals in your brain that almost make you forget the summer almost existed.
Almost…
It’s like they somehow measured up the distance, and eliminated the time between now and then, making it now and five minutes ago. It smells the same, you can almost see him. Walking thirty yards away from you across land his feet have never touched, hands in his jean pockets, shoulders slumped just enough to make you tilt your head to the side to make it look like he’s standing upright. He’d turn his head and see you, smile, straighten his shoulders (you cock your head back to where it was), and he’d walk eagerly and awkwardly over to your side to reach for you…and disappear. Your eyes blink, removing the thin film of memory that covered them, and you see only what really exists. It still smells like it did last year…five minutes ago.
The wind picks up, whips your already cold hair around the back of you head…kind of like in the movies, but in awkward chunks, instead of beautiful curling wisps. You zip up the front of the jacket he’s held you in so many times, and walk on…ahead of you, that familiar black hole of five minutes ago.

You haven't seen the world outside for days
You sleep, you hope, you wait
Imagination disappears
And all the dreams you have you save
Confrontation like a mirror
They try to take your mind away

I don't know, but I believe in yesterday
And what it means
To bleed and know that you're okay
Bombarded by the atmosphere
You breath, you choke, you breath again
Conversation disappears
You realize they're not your friends
The panic of the future rears
You dig, you jerk You find another way

I don't know, but I believe in yesterday
And what it means
To bleed and know that you're okay

Are you waiting?
No matter what you say
No matter what you do
No matter what, I'm always right there behind you
No matter what you say
No matter what you do
No matter what, I'm always right there behind you.

Destruction.
It doesn't fit.
Anymore or
(Quite as well)
As before.
I've become rusty,
(In expression, you know)
In love...
Your last kiss froze me
(Poisoned?)
Unable now to mold to
Anything
(Someone else)
To adjust to
Anything but your flame,
That you
(You)
Extinguished
Some existence ago.

I realize I'm running a risk at telling you all this, but I'm willing to do it for your amusement. And if you don't think it's funny, then I'll just have to settle on the fact that I'm a dumbass for wasting my time and putting this completely pointless story up here in the first place. But that alone should make you laugh.
So I managed to get a spot of spagetti sauce on my favorite sweatshirt at dinner, which really pissed me off (read: Charlene just did laundry last night and won't do laundry for another 7+ days, and already got shit all over herself.)
Anyway, so I came home and spotted the Resolve spot & stain remover (originally made for carpets, but it's the 'spot stain remover' part that caught my eye) so I sprayed some on my sweatshirt and rubbed it in with my fingers. After repeating that a few times I realized I was waiting for some Oxyclean-instant-removal-magic to happen (which wasn't), so I gave up and decided to let it soak on my couch for a while instead. I was too lazy to go wash the Resolve off my hands, so I just wiped them on my jeans and plopped down to watch TV. Well before I knew it I found myself mindlessly chewing on my fingers (I guess I must do that a lot), and happened to notice that the feeling in the tip of my tongue was slowly dissapearing until it became completely numb.
Hypothesis: Resolve numbs tongue, keep out of contact with mucus membranes.
So it's been about ten minutes, and although the numbness has already peaked and I'm now slowly regaining the feeling in my mouth, I realized how completely weird it was that a carpet cleaner numbs your tongue.
I guess it's always good to know that in case you need to perform any emergency dental care with a pair of plyers, you can always spray their mouth with this shit first. Side effects may include poisoning, but you can always chug down a cup of charcoal later.

UPDATE: The Resolve didn't work terribly well on my sweatshirt. But it did turn it from bright red to pale yellow, which does happen to be less noticable on a grey sweatshirt.

Even when I try not to think of it.
Even when i try not to think.

For example, this still nice space

(so possible---

bur right now away I go inside, I go
---almost---parenthetical.

Except the right one is trouble. Is gone.

(curving out of sight

I wish it would just
bracket. or yoke, or
somehow decide
to contain this animal---


I'm thinking of bears, mostly.

(I am saying this for the first time

Polar bears which can be so

(I am writing this on too small piece of paper

cute on TV, so human
the way they hide
their noses, covering them with snow
the very thing he did,
all hiding and hidden and

(metaphorically speaking, of course

all snowy---


Like this too small and too long page
both at once and not nice now

(so white---which way is finished?

Or like these parenthesis:
the left one trying, the right
one refusing.

(this is not that kind of animal


So there's a draft now.

(meaning I tried meaning error
I wish I could just
blow away like an eyelash:

(hold still, just let me---

or keep, like a snowflake on an eyelash
on a person I once loved---


But you're getting cold, aren't you?

(you're wondering

Shall I close them?

Shall I contain it?

(saying oh well. tra la

saying here. I'm fine. really.

come. it's done. sit by me)

--From Pleiades

So tomorrow morning around ten o' clock I have a five page history paper due on "the ways in which Gilman's short stories demonstrate various aspects of early twentieth century feminism".
*sigh*
I haven't even opened Word to type up my title page, and I have this strange feeling that it still won't happen for at least a few more hours. Now, some of you might begin to label me as a 'slacker' but I prefer the term 'procrastinative genius'. If that is a term...let's pretend it is.
Anyway, throughout my educational experience I've found that the longer I wait to start working on a project/paper/cram session, the better I do on the project/paper/test. Must be something about the horrendous pressure of just not being able to put it off any longer without losing sleep. The sleep thing didn't bother me so much in High School, however if I don't go to bed by midnight at the latest now, there's no hope for normal function the next day. Don't ask me to explain it, but I can tell you that I'm perfectly happy with sleeping for 9+ hours a night. Maybe I'm making up for the long nights in high school.
Which is why I find myself here, rambling on about how I should be writing my paper. Instead, I think I'll touch on those crazy Squirrels we have around campus and my exciting domination of Mt. Sentinel yesterday.
I don't think I've ever been to a place that's had more squirrels concentrated in such a small area. Even more bizarre, they're the tamest things you've ever seen. If you see one on the ground, you can walk up to the damn thing and he'll come over and sit on your shoe, or start chewing on your pant leg. Feeding them accounts for much more amusement, since they rock back on their haunches and proceed to stuff whatever it is you gave them into their chubby little cheeks...something I've found that only girls find cute and worth cooing over. Pretend that's a word too. Occasionally though, you'll run across a Squirrel who's developed an attitude problem and seems to think you want to steal whatever scrap food he's found in a trash can. I don't recommend walking by these guys, unless you want to see them stand up on their back legs and threaten to jump on your face and scratch your eyes out. It's really much more scary than you think it is.

So...that's enough about Squirrels. I think I'll put off the Mt. Sentinel experience for another day, since I still need to write my cousin a letter and finish cleaning out my drawers before I start my paper. And remember folks, don't let anyone tell you procrastination is a bad way to go. If I actually did my homework, my room probably wouldn't be as clean as it is now.

Things to write about:

-UM Campus Squirrels
-Blue Velvet
-Cat-Griz Basketball Game (if anything interesting happens)

Sometimes a wind blows...

and you and I
float
in love
and kiss
forever
in a darkness
and the mysteries
of love
come clear
and dance
in light
in you
in me
and show
that we
are Love.

Sometimes the wind blows
and the mysteries of Love
come clear.
--David Lynch