Every once in a while I lock myself in my room solely lit by five or sit candles, and just sit. I turn on music I can never really hear, and just exist in some sort of alternative universe where everything doesn't really look the same but sill seems mildly familiar enough to let everything go. Candles have some weird trembling light that never stays still...it flickers; vibrating shadows of honey colored walls and making every object in the room seem fuller-
-Solid, yet moving.... and stable.
It's almost like walking into your room after an earthquake, and everything's moved exactly three inches to the left. It's different.
I don't really know what I do in there...I seem to lock my conscious mind out of the room with everything else.
I feel like I'm recreating something.
Whether or not I'm actually successful is something I'm not entirely aware of, but I must have some reason for doing it, even if I'm not really sure what it is.

I miss my handwriting.
I feel like there's something lost in the message of someone’s work if it's typed-
Don't get me wrong; I'd never give up being able to put everything down almost as fast as I can think of it-
But there's so much feeling you can see in someone’s penmanship...
It's strange.

I can't believe I'm here again-
Lying awake at 3 a.m.
I feel transparent,
Incoherent,
Who could know it'd last this long?
This situation fits me perfectly,
Blink-
Focus,
And I still can't see,
What the hell have you done to me?
I don't play those games anymore,
It's shit like this I hate crying for,
Frustrated,
Manipulated,
& fucked with twice before.

Don't ask me what that last post means, because honestly I have no idea where it came from- the only thing I remember is that I was listening to the new Paul Oakenfold CD and those three lines popped into my head.
I just finished house sitting today, thank god. I was all stoked about it at first, but then quickly came to realize that I couldn't figure out how to connect to the internet at their house, so it lost about 50 points off the 'coolness' scale. And then they didn't even have cable, so it left me stuck watching about six channels on the lamest TV alive. Tell me, how can they live on one of the most expensive pieces of property I've ever been on and still not have cable...or a decent TV for that matter? And they left me with the "No Smoking, No Drugs, No Alcohol, No Friends and No Boyfriends" rule. Exactly why do these people think that young adults house sit for? Oh well, the neighbors were cool and aren't going to rat on me for having some people over...plus, I figure that just breaking two out of the five rules isn't that bad, right?
Anyway, I should be unpacking---Jennie, how drunk were you when you sprained that ankle? :) AND I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS FOR GOING TO SEE CCR WITHOUT ME!

five stacks of cards-
on a japanese table...

I feel like I'm going into the future backwards.

A hot new topic reaches out:
"Take my hand."
But-
"What are you waiting for?"
I'm-
"Take it."
I'm waiting for-
"Waiting? Why?"
I can't. I'm waiting for-
"Is it worth it?"
What?
"What your waiting for."
I don't know.
"Well?"
I don't know.

Tell me.
Show me what I'm waiting for.

------------------------------------------------------------
You need more than this.
Depressed?
Come here-
Try this.

BAD BLOG!! DON'T EAT MY ENTRIES!!!

For a while there I was wondering if I'd be better off just deleting this whole webpage...I hardly ever post, and furthermore I don't even know who still even reads it. I keep getting all these weird hits from random people that got referred to my page via search engine, but I'm not quite sure who of my friends still even reads this. In which case, it makes me wonder if my voice is just echoing off into the vast space we know as the internet, or if someone actually still peeks in now and again. In a way, I kind of hope people have abandoned reading my page. I guess partially the reason I stopped posting so much was because and one point or another almost all of my friends have brought up that they've read this blog...and that makes it kind of hard to spill out what's really bothering you when you've possibly got an audience of like 20+ people listening, but they don't let it show because no one uses the comment bar (I don't blame you at all, really...I've basically reduced this blog to a large collection of song lyrics and weird poetry because that's the only way I can express myself and still kind of cloud over whats going on in my head).
Anyway, enough about that.
I got a cell phone today...finally became a part of the majority again..and I'll probably be real sorry I got it as soon as my parents start calling me on it all the time. Oh well.
I'm off to bed kids. Hope all your summers are going well. Jennie! We need to plan a weekend for me to get my ass up there and party with you...we have so much catching up to do.
Marguerite, I miss you so! Nice touch with the paper-pag letter...so you. :) (sorry Jen, just piggybacking off you).
'night.

I woke up this morning to my parents yelling at each other about money. I think. It might actually have been a cover-up about how they never get to spend any time together because their both working so much, but it came out like they were both worried about money and seemed to think that yelling at each other would make it fall out of the kitchen ceiling. Silly parents.
I didn't go out last night, which seemed rather suprising. I've gone out almost every night since I've been home, and I didn't think that one of the first nights I would spend at home would be on a Friday. Oh well, the six-something channels on my TV in my room seemed to keep me company enough.
However, what I wasn't expecting from the lack of outside mental stimulation was for my brain to go into overdrive, forcing me to lay there for two hours staring at the stars on my ceiling. Seriously, who does that? Well, apparently I do....I wish I could tell you about everything that ran though my head last night, but to be quite honest I can't really remember much of it. I do remember that I was trying to figure myself out, some sort of unconcious self-evaluation I suppose. However whatever conclusion I came to I can't seem to remember, or I fell asleep before I even got that far. Has this ever happened to someone else? It just seems really weird. Anyway, have a great day, I'm off to the gym.

If a white cat crosses my path, is it good luck?

There's a fine art to falling apart,
Something I had down
(have down)
Seemingly have forgotten.
I'm floating in the midsts of standing blue cars...
Nevermind that.
Living it up while I'm going down,
Where I left the rest of myself,
Underground,
To keep my mind from tripping.